The Periodic Table of Heavy Metals

The beauty of heavy metal is despite it being the most serious form of music, half the time it is impossible to take it entirely seriously. That is why this Periodic Table of Heavy Metal is so genius – it is quite comprehensive, containing everything from Anvil to Zyklon all arranged in the universal symbol for headbanging everywhere – the horned hand. However, for something this far reaching, there are of course a few issues to be had:

1) The image is so large, it is tough to read between the color table and the bands. Granted, I was able to guess that Elvinking is folk-metal, but apparently so is Subway to Sally. Take this bad boy to Kinko’s for maximum metal appreciation.

2) Why is there a metal band named Subway to Sally?

3) Not all the genres really match up correctly, with a few egregious errors in the opinion of this entry level metal connoisseur. Specifically:

3a) Putting Godsmack and Corrosion of Conformity in the Alternative Metal section with the likes of Tool, Helmet, and Alice in Chains really does a disservice to the legacy of the latter bands.

3b) How is ISIS not in Post-metal – with Neurosis, ISIS created the freaking genre. But instead, the ISIS/Cave In member side-project Zozobra makes it in there?

4) Rap metal only has two bands, and not the bands you would expect. Nu-metal has a bunch of bands whose names I don’t even want to be forced to listen to, so I guess that fits out.

This is all done in good fun. And that really is the best part about it. Can you imagine how boring a Periodic Table of folk bands would be, shaped into a canoe paddle. For all of its ridiculousness, if anything this chart shows the many nuances of the genre that remain baffling to a greater portion of the world’s population.

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Peter Woodburn

When people say they like all kinds of music, they usually add the caveat “except heavy metal”. Peter Woodburn doesn’t. In fact, he is almost always asking for more heavy metal. His love for music stems from seeing the Grateful Dead at the tender age of 11 years, and it hasn’t faded since. He loves everything from 15-minute-long bluegrass jams to thirty-second grindcore blasts, as well as everything in between. Give him a monster riff, though, and he will be forever happy.